[syndicated from my personal blog, here]
Going back home from meeting friends for a beer, I was excited. It's not often that I encounter something cool to do which also appeals to my youth's old tactical nature. When I do, I jump it! This is a story of how someone tried to manipulate me, and how I countered.
The two friends with me discussed a fascinating topic I didn't even know existed, and simply because I saw that I could do so, I decided to bring this topic to a larger audience, creating a mini-conference on the subject.
First on my list was to find a location, so I sent an email to a local academic who could be a good partner for this, and called a couple of other friends to get them on board, arranged for speakers, PR and other necessities.
The next day I received an answer with a phone number, and within a few hours had the academic in question on my cell phone. He asked me to call his land line, and I did. Our conversation was very easy-going and friendly in tone. Smiles splattered on our faces.
I told him I am excited to speak with him, as he obviously has more experience on this particular subject. I was differential as academic ego demands, showing him the respect he deserves, but in tone -- I remained an equal.
I made my case, and he cut in, asking "Can you explain what you have in mind? We ran a conference on this four years ago. Do you have something new to warrant an event?"
"No," I answered honestly in an interrupt of my own. He apparently didn't expect that, so I asked to continue my pitch, and then did.
A lot changed in the last four years, and even if not, in a university environment four years ia an eternity -- with many new students who would appreciate this event. I had better arguments than these, and as my purpose was cooperation rather than confrontation, I preferred to move on.
I explained how this topic is exciting, how it has direct impact on both higher education as well as real implications for daily life, governance, and the economy. I used two anecdotal examples to illustrate this, and my excitement probably dripped all over him, even over the phone.
"Well," he responded, "let me tell you about an idea I had."
DING DING DING DING DING
Warning bells sounded in my head. "Happily, what's your idea?
He told me about an event he thought of, which sounded interesting. As he spoke I got about three ideas running in my head on the subject, but I listened quietly. "I would like to work with you, and if you can take some time to think of ideas for what we can do at this event, I'd appreciate us talking about them."
Stay on message
"Of course," I said, "I'd be more than happy to." And I was. "However", I continued with the same breath, "this conversation is about the first idea, so while I'd definitely like to discuss this with you further later, let's stick to the first one for now."
"Alright." he said, and we discussed a bit further, at which point he said "well, last year we ran a small event on this topic, and there was real innovation there which we could showcase. What will be new here?"
I explained a bit more on why I am excited, and why the topic is relevant, and how such an event can be beneficial. Then I decided to change tactics to show my resolve.
Stay on message, clarify position
"As you know, I am a security professional."
"Yes, that is where I know you from. Security, Internet, Cyber Warfare... Why does this subject interest you?"
"Truth be told," I happily jumped in, "I am excited. I learned to be a strategic person, but at heart, I am a tactical person, energized by excitement. I am excited about this topic, and I am willing to put the time into making this event happen. I will make it happen, but as I know of your vast expertise, I decided I must approach you first."
After more deliberation he asked me "What do you think of my event idea? I'd appreciate your opinion on ideas for it, and we can get back together on this after you think about it."
DING DING DING DING DING
Alarm bells rang again.
"I already thought about it, and have three ideas so far."
"Oh, great! What are your ideas?"
I shared two, as my short-term memory had already erased the third. I told him as much, and I think he believed me, but it could be seen as a lure or a trick. We were extremely friendly. He asked me to email him the third one if I remember it. I promised to do so.
Stay on message
"I'd like however, to finish our discussion of my idea for now, as there is a time constraint."
When he heard I want to get it done within a month rather than a year, he was shocked. I told him how excited I am about the specific speakers I want to bring, and how one of them is leaving the country to join his new wife, and he is a major source of my energy for this. I mentioned how I understand if his events schedule is already closed for the coming year, but wanted to make sure and contact him first.
It wasn't my intention to go cold on him or play "girl negotiation" by appearing not interested, but rather to give him way out. But whether it was my excitement or the "girl tactic", or even the ego massage, it seemed to work.
He got excited about this speaker as well, and asked about getting him on video before he leaves. Then....
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
A trick I've never seen before, which unlike the ones used up to now, is purely manipulative from whatever perspective you may look at it.
"How about we both take a couple of days to think of our two ideas, then get back together and pick one?"
This is wrong on so many levels. To begin with, his idea is not on the agenda. Second, he assumes I am willing to give up on my idea. Third, he assumes it's one or the other, this is a false choice logical fallacy.
More importantly, with this trick he can potentially achieve four immediately obvious things. First, wipe the slate clean to run his arguments by me again. Second, put distance between the chats so that I have time to move from my strong position, and consider his, perhaps feeling uncomfortable turning him down again. Third, it puts the subject on the agenda. And fourth, potentially try to wear me down, as most people won't call again in two days, or in two months.
I didn't miss a beat.
"I would be happy to discuss your idea separately, it sounds very interesting and I'd be happy to work with you on it. However, my resources are limited and at this time I am only interested in working on this one."
I added my winning argument: "I believe that I can get very good PR coverage for this mini-event, and get cooperation with Famous-Non-Profit which will also be happy to cover a part of the costs."
He lighted up at the mention of PR. We spoke for a bit and he asked me for a few days to speak with his boss. A few days when I have only a month to get things going are critical, so I wasn't happy about it. But the request was reasonable. He threw the ball into my court though, so when I got off the phone, I sent him an email.
I detailed five good ideas for his event, mentioned I was happy to talk with him, and was looking forward to hear from him soon. I also attached my phone number.
As I said when I started this post, he really is a good guy, and very friendly. But he is also a politician. He is an expert communicator who interviewed people live for a decade as a journalist. So while I dislike manipulative behavior I recognize that for some, such behavior is more than acceptable. In fact, it is regular m.o. and needs to be expected as part of the game.
Thing is, even just a few years ago I would have gotten stuck after his first interrupt, and either ended up working on his event without realizing it -- or by being too friendly. Worse still, I could have mishandled the communication in a potentially offensive fashion. Some years ago more, and I wouldn't have been able to play the game, and would have taken offense.
Being able to switch gears into "I'm being manipulated", think fast on my feet with my responses, and keep the conversation on track for my purposes (also the stated agenda of the call) -- all while keeping the rapport going without losing one heart beat, got me very excited. The content of the call was suddenly secondary.
While I am extremely straight-forward and honest in my communication style to a point of bluntness, I am a work in progress and am always learning. And I must admit, when two professionals meet, the conversation is happening on a completely different level. I am just surprised he didn't read through me that I was on to every single trick, when I was able to deflect them all. Or maybe he did and kept throwing them at me anyway to try and outwit me?
The cynic in me may in retrospect reconsider the first thing he ever said to me, to call him back on land line, as a manipulative gesture to get me in a compliant mood. But that would be too paranoid -- wouldn't it?
There are a few issues to consider about this encounter:
1. What was his motive? Perhaps he confused me for a hungry young hot shot, and wanted to use my excitement for his own ends. Perhaps a clear-cut switch-a-roo to get me to work on his event, "stealing" me from mine. Thus, bringing the conversation to where he wants it.
Then again, maybe he was just trying to end the conversation non-confrontationally.
2. His main tricks, in order were: change subject, switch-a-roo, get back together in 2 days.
3. What can you do to counter such tricks? After all, you may not always have a quick wit about you, or know the specific tricks.
The answer is similar to holding your own in politics: Stay on message. Know what your message is and stick to it. Others may try to confuse you, throw you off, and introduce a red-herring such as sending it for discussion in committee. Stay on message.
4. More importantly, the conversation made it clear it is quite possible he has no political power on this front, and thus can't give me what I want anyway.
Which brings us to...
5. What is your goal?
I kept going as I wanted to convince him, and after a fashion, I did get the best possible alternative result. But why keep at it if it won't achieve my goal?
Two tricks such as he used can be excuses as part of natural discussion, at the third, why keep at it? By this time it is clear to both sides what's going on and no positive result can come out of it.
More importantly, my purpose is to achieve a goal, and if I am not going to, why stay on a call that is probably uncomfortable for at least one of the sides, and as sure as the sky is blue, wastes my time?
If my purpose is not adversarial, why treat the situation as a battle? Cooperative discussion is a much better approach. As no cooperation was likely to happen, keeping the discussion going was pointless.
In summary, it didn't work out. But you should not get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for the guy. But it was one of the more fascinating five minutes in my life these past few months.
Here are some articles I wrote on similar experiences I had:
I'm interested, but in you
Snap! Jazz music and mass hypnosis
WTF! Or, wow, this never happened to me before!
Gadi Evron,
ge@linuxbox.org.
Follow me on twitter! http://twitter.com/gadievron
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, March 02, 2009
Deceptive use of language in conference advertisement [and on the difference between communication and manipulation]
[This was originally written for a community of science fiction con runners, which is why it has that clear theme. I altered it to fit the subject I ended up with.]
I just came across a blog post (linked at the bottom of my post), where the author discusses an email he received, advertising a conference in a deceptively persuasive fashion.
While I use the "scarcity" "trick" myself, I make sure and use it only when seats really are running out, and once at the beginning--Alerting people to how many seats we have as they all already know we will run out very quickly.
That of course refers to another "trick" the author mentions--social proof. Looking back at my "spam" emails I don't abuse it beyond the mentioning the seats available, in any advertisement. But I do make use of it, I know people who go to the con enjoy themselves, and discuss it amongst themselves and with their peers. I enjoy the back-lash email bombardment of "I really wanted to make it" as it helps me help others make it next time.
There is a downside to understanding persuasion. Our knowledge of it.
After being exposed to quite a bit of manipulation, especially in corporate environments and around Washington DC, I became _aware_ (apologies for use of new age terminology) that it "exists". Later on I was disturbed by finding out the same tools in my repertoire (or weapons in my arsenal if you like) I've used in good communication are used in manipulation as well. This made me think quite a bit if others, and myself, are acting in a manipulative fashion.
The difference between communication and manipulation is tricky at best. It is in Intent (of attacker) and Perspective (of victim), and we can add a third category of examination, the X, or Asimov "Mule", factor--Specific incident--which might change our normal understanding in specific odd-ball cases. Both in the decent meaning of influence, in good communication, and in the "evil" one, manipulation, noticing that I, or others, say or do something which answers to one of these possible "tricks" of influence immediately puts it under scrutiny of self-awareness (apologies for new-agey term) if it makes use of any of these "tricks".
Robert Cialdini in his book "Influence: Psychology of Persuasion" takes apart a sub-set of the world of influence and helpfully puts it into clearly defined and named categories by the use of terminology. That, not the text, is the greatest asset of the book.
He often mentions how all these tools of persuasion are really normal tools humans use to avoid over-loading with needless, indeed countless, decisions that spam our daily lives, and to make better decisions to boot (everybody buys an iphone, it *must* be better! it sure is cool, though). Knowing about how these work though, means the con artists, sales people, etc. will use them against us.
But as people who run conventions and conferences, how do we both use, and abuse, these "tricks" of influence? How can we make better use of them, and avoid being deceptive?
Notice yourself using it in your advertisement? Feeling left out as you are not a convention/conference manager? Have any anecdote from your position.. or daily life?
You can view the discussed blog which inspired this post, here:
http://www.changingminds.org/blog/0902blog/090227blog.htm
Gadi Evron,
ge@linuxbox.org.
Follow me on twitter! http://twitter.com/gadievron
I just came across a blog post (linked at the bottom of my post), where the author discusses an email he received, advertising a conference in a deceptively persuasive fashion.
While I use the "scarcity" "trick" myself, I make sure and use it only when seats really are running out, and once at the beginning--Alerting people to how many seats we have as they all already know we will run out very quickly.
That of course refers to another "trick" the author mentions--social proof. Looking back at my "spam" emails I don't abuse it beyond the mentioning the seats available, in any advertisement. But I do make use of it, I know people who go to the con enjoy themselves, and discuss it amongst themselves and with their peers. I enjoy the back-lash email bombardment of "I really wanted to make it" as it helps me help others make it next time.
There is a downside to understanding persuasion. Our knowledge of it.
After being exposed to quite a bit of manipulation, especially in corporate environments and around Washington DC, I became _aware_ (apologies for use of new age terminology) that it "exists". Later on I was disturbed by finding out the same tools in my repertoire (or weapons in my arsenal if you like) I've used in good communication are used in manipulation as well. This made me think quite a bit if others, and myself, are acting in a manipulative fashion.
The difference between communication and manipulation is tricky at best. It is in Intent (of attacker) and Perspective (of victim), and we can add a third category of examination, the X, or Asimov "Mule", factor--Specific incident--which might change our normal understanding in specific odd-ball cases. Both in the decent meaning of influence, in good communication, and in the "evil" one, manipulation, noticing that I, or others, say or do something which answers to one of these possible "tricks" of influence immediately puts it under scrutiny of self-awareness (apologies for new-agey term) if it makes use of any of these "tricks".
Robert Cialdini in his book "Influence: Psychology of Persuasion" takes apart a sub-set of the world of influence and helpfully puts it into clearly defined and named categories by the use of terminology. That, not the text, is the greatest asset of the book.
He often mentions how all these tools of persuasion are really normal tools humans use to avoid over-loading with needless, indeed countless, decisions that spam our daily lives, and to make better decisions to boot (everybody buys an iphone, it *must* be better! it sure is cool, though). Knowing about how these work though, means the con artists, sales people, etc. will use them against us.
But as people who run conventions and conferences, how do we both use, and abuse, these "tricks" of influence? How can we make better use of them, and avoid being deceptive?
Notice yourself using it in your advertisement? Feeling left out as you are not a convention/conference manager? Have any anecdote from your position.. or daily life?
You can view the discussed blog which inspired this post, here:
http://www.changingminds.org/blog/0902blog/090227blog.htm
Gadi Evron,
ge@linuxbox.org.
Follow me on twitter! http://twitter.com/gadievron
Sunday, September 07, 2008
I'm interested, but in you
[syndicated from a friend's blog where I posted this anonymously a few months ago]
Walking happily in the mall carrying my brand new Mac, a salesgirl caught my eyes and asked me to come over.
I walked closer stating clearly "I will come over, but I don't want to waste your time. I'm not buying anything." She was happy for me to approach regardless, smiling. I think I smiled back.
As soon as I got near the stand, she took my hand, kindly (felt nice) but firmly, and led me closer, turning me toward the stand and her. I was keenly aware of how this hand-hold made my body automagically follow her and of how breaking physical contact is difficult.
The salesgirl began to slowly fold the sleeve on the hand she held, probably preparing me to smell something, still touching my hand as she chatted me up. "Why do you have a Black Hat shirt but no black hat?"
I decided being nice and letting her flow with our chemistry, manufactured or not, is more than okay. How to simplify the answer though?
"I'm a hacker" *smile*
At this point, sleeve pulled back and hands removed she tried to convince me to try something on, I considered the "I'm allergic" excuse, but saw no reason to lie "Thank you, but I am not interested." I said with a finality.
"You bought a laptop?"
"Yes, just got out of the Apple store." Which incidentally, is right in front of the stand, and I was carrying the laptop case.
"Have you ever been stuck at an airport for like eight hours? What do you do for so long? Me it just drives nuts."
Raising my eye-brow but not missing a beat, showing real interest, I replied "I was once in London for six hours, I went to the center, ate lunch, and got back just in time for my flight."
"Yes," she said, slightly pouting "but what if you are stuck there for eight hours with nothing to do, what do you do then?"
When she left my hand alone. I waited a bit, and slowly started pulling my sleeve down while talking.
"It is always fun to get out of the airport and explore."
"Always?" she insisted.
"Sleep works. I really hate the Frankfurt airport, and there is nothing to do in Frankfurt." I rolled up my eyes "I was once stuck there for ten hours and just went to sleep."
"The laptop must help" she offered.
"Why, of course! The first thing I do when I get to the airport is look for food," *pause* "Obviously" *smile* "Then I start looking for a power socket for my laptop".
She tried again.
"How about this here..."
"I am not interested in creams."
"Ah, this is for your nails." *smile*
"Thanks, no." *smile*
Maybe my smile was an invitation incongruent to my verbal negation, but she kept going. When someone smiles at you--you often smile back whether you know it or not.
"Are you interested in me," *very slight pause* "showing you this here?" *smile*
I considered saying yes again and the allergic excuse tried to pop up, then with a large smile filling me and my face I heartily responded "I am interested in you, *slight pause* "not what you offer." *big smile* "But thank you so much."
Usually I'd not refuse, but I am not going to buy anything so why waste her sales time?
*Almost awkward pause* I followed up.
"You are good. If I was not aware of what you are doing, building rapport, you'd have me wrapped around your finger by now."
"Thanks, tell that to my boss." Who she pointed to. He was very interested in our conversation through-out, although he maintained his distance.
I half turned to go, and looking back from my shoulder "Can I ask you guys a quick question?"
"Sure" she said. She was still looking at me and nice, but not as excited and slightly pouting.
"Well," I began "again, you are very good, but did anyone teach you..."
She softly cut in "The story was true."
"I am sure it was," *smile* "but before you had your own story, did anyone teach you an example story to use?"
"No," she said "it's all mine." at this point the boss was also in the conversation, although he never really spoke. He leaned in and had his half smile of amusement and interest changed to one of interest and sarcasm.
I took my cue, thanked them both, and left.
Four points:
1. Holding my hand (shaking it then not leaving?) gave her control over me to make sure I stayed and move me around. It made us closer instantly. Maintaining touch opened me to her approach and made sure I listened. Even with the real-time analysis of what she was doing, it was slightly difficult for me to not do whatever she asks.
Powerless to stop it or not, me "letting" her fold my sleeve, although done slowly while keeping eye contact with me (so that I barely notice), implies that I already showed interest in what she offers. Regardless of me clearly stating otherwise. Having done that, why not try some perfume? It would be silly to roll the sleeve back down without trying, right?
2. She attempted to create rapport with me by speaking about my Black Hat shirt. I let her, but did not agree to buy. She may not have known much about hacking, decided I required a more intelligent approach or chose to use a different story to create more rapport.
Picking on another environmental cue, she spoke of my new laptop with the airport story. Perhaps my accent helped her spot me as a foreigner, but a separate story helped us feel more familiar with each other and took longer to explore.
3. When I said I am not interested in creams, she immediately disarmed me with "nails". This took me back a moment as I am a guy, and not a very beauty-aware one.
It was a nice and natural way to change the subject and kill my objection--what she said (nails) wasn't as important as this negation (don't worry). In my case though it wasn't the best approach--Especially as I didn't shave in two weeks. It should have screamed at her.
4. Although said in a flirtatious manner and not offensive, my "I'm interested in you, not what you sell" was a carbon copy of her disarming techniques. She couldn't break rapport, especially since I kept the chat with a smile after that.
Turning to leave then staying, but talking almost as in an after-thought without facing her, made her feel she isn't stuck with me and allowed me to explore her sales techniques without being too threatening, especially as I am four times her size. She probably lied, though.
All-in-all, it was a fun conversation and I didn't waste more than two or three minutes of her time. I didn't realize I could analyze her sale so easily. I can't wait to try this again in a year when I know more and see what I spot then.
Perhaps with a more advanced sales person such as an insurance agent, who will be more sophisticated. Seeing my progress is a big boost to my enthusiasm.
Gadi Evron.
Walking happily in the mall carrying my brand new Mac, a salesgirl caught my eyes and asked me to come over.
I walked closer stating clearly "I will come over, but I don't want to waste your time. I'm not buying anything." She was happy for me to approach regardless, smiling. I think I smiled back.
As soon as I got near the stand, she took my hand, kindly (felt nice) but firmly, and led me closer, turning me toward the stand and her. I was keenly aware of how this hand-hold made my body automagically follow her and of how breaking physical contact is difficult.
The salesgirl began to slowly fold the sleeve on the hand she held, probably preparing me to smell something, still touching my hand as she chatted me up. "Why do you have a Black Hat shirt but no black hat?"
I decided being nice and letting her flow with our chemistry, manufactured or not, is more than okay. How to simplify the answer though?
"I'm a hacker" *smile*
At this point, sleeve pulled back and hands removed she tried to convince me to try something on, I considered the "I'm allergic" excuse, but saw no reason to lie "Thank you, but I am not interested." I said with a finality.
"You bought a laptop?"
"Yes, just got out of the Apple store." Which incidentally, is right in front of the stand, and I was carrying the laptop case.
"Have you ever been stuck at an airport for like eight hours? What do you do for so long? Me it just drives nuts."
Raising my eye-brow but not missing a beat, showing real interest, I replied "I was once in London for six hours, I went to the center, ate lunch, and got back just in time for my flight."
"Yes," she said, slightly pouting "but what if you are stuck there for eight hours with nothing to do, what do you do then?"
When she left my hand alone. I waited a bit, and slowly started pulling my sleeve down while talking.
"It is always fun to get out of the airport and explore."
"Always?" she insisted.
"Sleep works. I really hate the Frankfurt airport, and there is nothing to do in Frankfurt." I rolled up my eyes "I was once stuck there for ten hours and just went to sleep."
"The laptop must help" she offered.
"Why, of course! The first thing I do when I get to the airport is look for food," *pause* "Obviously" *smile* "Then I start looking for a power socket for my laptop".
She tried again.
"How about this here..."
"I am not interested in creams."
"Ah, this is for your nails." *smile*
"Thanks, no." *smile*
Maybe my smile was an invitation incongruent to my verbal negation, but she kept going. When someone smiles at you--you often smile back whether you know it or not.
"Are you interested in me," *very slight pause* "showing you this here?" *smile*
I considered saying yes again and the allergic excuse tried to pop up, then with a large smile filling me and my face I heartily responded "I am interested in you, *slight pause* "not what you offer." *big smile* "But thank you so much."
Usually I'd not refuse, but I am not going to buy anything so why waste her sales time?
*Almost awkward pause* I followed up.
"You are good. If I was not aware of what you are doing, building rapport, you'd have me wrapped around your finger by now."
"Thanks, tell that to my boss." Who she pointed to. He was very interested in our conversation through-out, although he maintained his distance.
I half turned to go, and looking back from my shoulder "Can I ask you guys a quick question?"
"Sure" she said. She was still looking at me and nice, but not as excited and slightly pouting.
"Well," I began "again, you are very good, but did anyone teach you..."
She softly cut in "The story was true."
"I am sure it was," *smile* "but before you had your own story, did anyone teach you an example story to use?"
"No," she said "it's all mine." at this point the boss was also in the conversation, although he never really spoke. He leaned in and had his half smile of amusement and interest changed to one of interest and sarcasm.
I took my cue, thanked them both, and left.
Four points:
1. Holding my hand (shaking it then not leaving?) gave her control over me to make sure I stayed and move me around. It made us closer instantly. Maintaining touch opened me to her approach and made sure I listened. Even with the real-time analysis of what she was doing, it was slightly difficult for me to not do whatever she asks.
Powerless to stop it or not, me "letting" her fold my sleeve, although done slowly while keeping eye contact with me (so that I barely notice), implies that I already showed interest in what she offers. Regardless of me clearly stating otherwise. Having done that, why not try some perfume? It would be silly to roll the sleeve back down without trying, right?
2. She attempted to create rapport with me by speaking about my Black Hat shirt. I let her, but did not agree to buy. She may not have known much about hacking, decided I required a more intelligent approach or chose to use a different story to create more rapport.
Picking on another environmental cue, she spoke of my new laptop with the airport story. Perhaps my accent helped her spot me as a foreigner, but a separate story helped us feel more familiar with each other and took longer to explore.
3. When I said I am not interested in creams, she immediately disarmed me with "nails". This took me back a moment as I am a guy, and not a very beauty-aware one.
It was a nice and natural way to change the subject and kill my objection--what she said (nails) wasn't as important as this negation (don't worry). In my case though it wasn't the best approach--Especially as I didn't shave in two weeks. It should have screamed at her.
4. Although said in a flirtatious manner and not offensive, my "I'm interested in you, not what you sell" was a carbon copy of her disarming techniques. She couldn't break rapport, especially since I kept the chat with a smile after that.
Turning to leave then staying, but talking almost as in an after-thought without facing her, made her feel she isn't stuck with me and allowed me to explore her sales techniques without being too threatening, especially as I am four times her size. She probably lied, though.
All-in-all, it was a fun conversation and I didn't waste more than two or three minutes of her time. I didn't realize I could analyze her sale so easily. I can't wait to try this again in a year when I know more and see what I spot then.
Perhaps with a more advanced sales person such as an insurance agent, who will be more sophisticated. Seeing my progress is a big boost to my enthusiasm.
Gadi Evron.
Follow me on twitter! http://twitter.com/gadievron
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